*Spoiler Alert!* for those of you who have not seen the movie Frozen, there will be spoilers.
Recently, I watched the movie, Frozen, and a realization occurred…I am Elsa. She has a past, something that she is not allowed to show–she has to be brave, and she has to be in control. In the past, I have struggled with sexual impurity, anger, depression, ADHD, anxiety, and top of all that, I was born with Triple X Syndrome (a genetic disability only found in females that causes them to be very tall, mature slower than most, and have 47 chromosomes instead of 46. This genetic disorder is called Triple X because I have 3 (XXX) chromosomes instead of 2 (XX)).
My whole life, I have struggled with letting my disabilities define me. Like Elsa, I was told to control myself, hide my disabilities from others, because they too might look down on me, treat me different, pity me, or fear and reject me. In the movie, when Elsa removed her gloves, she had to expose herself to accept the crown, she tried so hard to control herself, but fear encompassed her and she reverted back to wearing her gloves. Later, Anna grabbed one of Elsa’s gloves off her hand, and because of all the fear enclosed in Elsa–she reacted. Many were surprised, most were afraid, and some were confused, but nonetheless, Elsa exposed what she had become. Like Elsa, I too have experienced the embarrassing exposure of my weakness. I have yelled, cursed, made a scene, and acted out in fear. Because of it, I have been called many things like: unserious, lazy, immature, abusive, monster, cry baby, unhealthy, sick, weird…so I hid away. I felt rejected and alone. I felt unwanted and afraid.
While I didn’t flee to the mountains and create a gleaming castle of ice, I slept longer hours, ignored phone calls, and I fell behind on classwork. I remember sitting at my apartment trying to work on a midterm report of 15 pages, and stopping to think about my life. I was falling apart. I needed help. I was stuck in a vast hole of fear, anger, and sin, and all I wanted was an out. I turned on my radio for some background noise, and just like Elsa, a song filled my heart. It wasn’t “Let It Go,” but instead “You Are More” by Tenth Avenue North.
In my time of desperation, God reached out to me, and filled my heart with his everlasting love. For the first time in a long time, I felt happy, warm, and loved. I attempted to continue with school, but I just wasn’t ready yet. I withdrew, returned home, and eventually sought counseling.
I’ve been in successful counseling since October, and it has been wonderful. I have a Christian counselor who prays with me, keeps me accountable, and works with me to achieve my goals. In the movie, Elsa had Anna, whom didn’t give up on her sister, whom stayed by her side, and loved her no matter what. I have a few Annas as well, but the main Anna who has never given up on me and never will is my Father who art in Heaven–God. He is my Anna, and he will never forsake me.
Elsa’s fear encompassed the whole town and lands a far in ice and snow storms, but Anna didn’t give up on her. She used others to reach out and help her reach her sister. Even when Elsa hurt her and pushed her away, Anna still saved her in the end. Anna sacrificed her life for Elsa. Likewise, I said horrible things out of anger and fear. I pushed people and God away, even though they loved me. Like Elsa, I didn’t feel that I deserved anyone’s love. I felt that I was unloveable. I felt that I was better off alone. Many tried to save me, but only one could. God reminded me that like Anna, Jesus sacrificed his life for us–for me. he already paid that price, so that I could live free. He loved me enough to send his son to die for me–to save my life even though I pushed everyone away. He loves me! So even in times of trouble, my ‘Anna’–God will always be there to rescue me, love me, and pull me through. I may not always be accepted and loved by others, but that’s okay, because God does, and for that, I am beyond thankful.
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with torment and punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because He first loved us.” 1 John 4:18-19
Here is Elsa’s Heart song, “Let It Go” from Frozen:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moSFlvxnbgk
Here is my heart song, “You Are More” by Tenth Avenue North:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwtcwQwgdsA
LeAnna,
These are the bravest words I have seen posted. Your post rings of pure honesty, and you humbly put this out for the world. Thank you!, for sharing this in a way that encourages others to understand that not all disabilities can be seen. Sometimes the most devastating disabilities can not be seen, or easily explained, therefore misunderstood by many. We share some of those challenges with disabilities LeAnna, more importantly we share the love beyond any measure that God has for us. Thank you for “witnessing” in this way LeAnna, you are indeed “one of God’s people in the world”. You are in my prayers.
I remember when you were born LeAnna, how beautiful you were and watched you grow. We moved away so we didn’t get to see you become a young woman. We didn’t know you were going through so much sweetheart or I would have been praying long before now. I went through a lot of the challenges you have so I emphasize with you. I am glad you sought help and that you are doing better. It took God to help me see the truth as well. Time heals and I pray for the same for you. God loves you and so do we,
Janice and Ron
Wow!! You are so strong, this is an incredible blog, I am so proud of how far you have come! Jesus has so much more in store for you, so much healing, so much peace!! Just keep walking with him and you will always be reminded of how perfectly and carefully made you are! And I am so excited to see how well you are doing with fund-raising :]
God Bless!!
Em
Leanna,
This was a very brave post. You are a special young lady and I hope you feel a sense of peace by your posting. God is so good all the time and He walks beside you! Keep your faith as your focus and He will guide you along your path. I miss seeing and talking with you, but know you are loved by many, near and far. Blessings…
Cheryl Turner
YOU ARE AWESOME!!!! i AM SO PROUD OF YOU FOR SHARING THIS :):) CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU AT TRAINING CAMP :):)
I am so proud of you LeAnna! Thank you for sharing your weaknesses and strengths! This is beautiful, thank you for exposing your heart and fighting! With God by your side, you can do all things! You are more!