I Was Trapped, But Now I’m Free!

Despite all the good that happened last month, I struggled with spiritual warfare a lot. Darkness penetrated the very core of my existence. It was everywhere. It was in my room, in my head and it desperately tried to cloak my heart. In my last blog, I talked of how God saves and uses unexpected examples of trust. Before realizing that lesson, I had to battle the darkness around and within.

Spiritual warfare is real. Explaining it in detail is very difficult, however, that doesn’t make it any less real. I experienced it. It followed me, it tried to attach itself to me. I sat in a prayer session of deliverance. I forgave generational curses, but that was only the beginning.

Thursday, something clung to me. I felt physical pain inside. My stomach was in knots, my hands were shaky, and sweat was upon my brow. I knew there was something on me, but I wasn’t sure how to get it off. The presence of pain intensified during a squad session, desperate for help, I glanced at my squad mates. I couldn’t shake this awful feeling. It would not leave. Suddenly, I had no control. I cried out in pain, my hands were shaking, and all I could do was cry. My squad mates and teammates gathered around me and prayed, but it would not leave. My squad leaders picked me up and helped me walk to another location. My left arm went completely numb all the way to my fingers. I could not move it. I plopped down on to the bed like a rag doll. My body was no longer in my control. My ears started ringing. One of my squad leaders started praying over me, but I could not hear her. I could see her lips moving, but there was little to no sound.

I have never experienced anything like this before.

I was present, but I had absolutely no control over myself, my pain, my emotions, or my responses. After a while of continuous prayer, my hearing came back, but I still felt utterly trapped within my body. I could hear my leaders fighting for me. I could feel myself smile, and laugh in a way that was not my own. I could feel myself jerk and writhe against my will. I was there, yet I couldn’t speak or react. Lies, guilt, shame, mockery, & deception clouded my mind. I was trapped.

Their words, their prayers, their strength in The Lord kept me going. I’ve never really been fighter in the fight or flight response, but seeing the way my leaders fought for me, made me want to change. Seeing God’s strength in them, made me want to try. First, I battled guilt & shame. I confessed any and all sins I’ve ever committed. Second, I battled shame and lies. For a full hour, I focused on forgiving myself and others for unreleased hurts.

After that, mockery had no right to reside, and neither did deception. With that confirmation, a bucket load of prayer and a whole lot of Jesus vanquished everything that stood in my way and kept me trapped within. God made a way. Pulsing waves of mercy and love cleansed me from the inside out. Pain subsided, feelings returned, and my ability to control was back in my court, where it belonged.

Before, I was trapped in shadowed corridors of misery and pain. Afterwards, I was made free.

For now, the war is over, the battle is won.

The realization, the outcome is that Jesus lives inside me. There is power in his name. I don’t have to be strong enough, because Jesus covers me where I fail. I can’t save myself, but God can. I may not have it all together, but I can tell you, I feel more alive today than I did on that day. I may not look different, but I feel different. I feel renewed. I feel free. I am free indeed. The next time Satan tries to get in my head, I’m going to fight him, because I’ve got Jesus on my side, and with him nothing is impossible.

After deliverance on Thursday, God showed me, Psalms 143 and also the beginning of Psalms 144. (The bold parts stood out to me the most.)

“143: Lord, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief. Do not bring your servant into judgment, for no one living is righteous before you. The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in the darkness like those long dead. So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed. I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done. I spread out my hands to you; I thirst for you like a parched land. Answer me quickly, Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life. Rescue me from my enemies, Lord, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. For your name’s sake, Lord, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant.“

“144: Praise be to the Lord my Rock, who trains my hands for war,
my fingers for battle. He is my loving God and my fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield, in whom I take refuge…“

P.S. —>These songs were in my head after everything went down:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpdYgbMf0L8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OggJ1pIPxUE

Praise God!