I used to be what you would call an emotional wreck. My emotions were all over the place. Sometimes I could control them, other times, I could not. When stress took it’s toll, it seemed that I had two choices, be angry or cry a whole lot! From the time when I was younger to preWorld Race, I would just cry until I couldn’t cry any more. In these times, it never failed that someone would comment negatively about my crying. I’ve been laughed at; I’ve been told to “suck it up;” I’ve been told that when I cry, it reminds people of drowning puppies… messed up, huh? I don’t know why it’s so negative for people to show weakness in our culture… Tears are an incredible gift from God. They are perfect for releasing built up tension and pain. I wish I had never listened to those people in that moment, because instead of realizing the importance of tears—I hardened my heart. When I was a kid, I hid my tears by sneezing on command or yawning and making the excuse that my eyes were watering. As an adult, pent up frustrations turned into anger and times when I wanted to cry, I yelled instead. Other more rare times, laughter and humor would take the place of tears. I was determined not to cry, not to show weakness. I got really good at hiding my emotions, or so I thought.
Fast forward, I’m a World Racer, taking on a new dream, a new mission…but something is missing. I don’t feel fully who I’m supposed to be. Who am I? Why am I worthy? I want to cry… but is it ok? I want to feel something… See, for so long, I had pushed back my tears, and ignored the emotions I felt on the inside. Around month 2 (in Nepal), I noticed that there was something missing inside me. God was saying, “I see you,” but I was embarrassed to be seen. Month 3, God had me share my testimony at an orphanage in Thailand—He nudged me to tell them about emotions. This is important, because since I have been on the race, I have been praying for tears. Tears? yep, I’m realizing that I need them. I need tears to be healthy and whole again. Let me tell you, it is not easy for me to cry. It is especially difficult to cry in front of people. Even today, in month 10 (China), I still hate crying in front of people. Back to my testimony in Thailand, I shared that it’s better to show your emotions than to hold them inside. Because whether you mess up or break down and cry, God will still love you and he will strengthen you in your times of need. At that moment in my testimony, I started crying. There was no hiding it, after all, I was telling them that it was okay to cry… funny God, ok I’ll practice what I preach. As I stand there, embarrassed, crying, and sharing, I started to feel a little lighter, like something within me was starting to heal.
Why am I sharing this now? The significance of that one small prayer in Nepal has brought upon tears throughout the race. It has been a healing process. In Laos, God softened my heart for a girl that was silently struggling in a room of worship—He had me pray over her and even cry along side her. In Cambodia, I loved hard, so hard that when we had to leave, I cried the hardest I’ve cried in a long time. I love those kids, teens, and college aged kids to death! I still think about them often. In Vietnam, I cried when praying blessings over a safe house for women. Malaysia was a rough month, probably the hardest on the race. Philippines was a healing month, there were bucket loads of tears that month. I cried so much in both Puerto Galera & Manila!
God has been teaching me that it’s okay to cry. Sometimes, He even uses my tears to intercede for and connect with others. He has strengthened me and has blessed others through my tears… who would have thought? The very thing I used to run away from has brought more healing to me personally than any other thing.
I am a crier, too! Have been as long as I can remember — a long time! Whenever I get hurt, confused, anger, feeling helpless, sad (either while watching a moving or reading a book) — I cry. Anxiety medication has helped some in recent years but those tears will betray me every time. I wonder why no one ever really noticed why and when I cry and do something about it. I also have been yelled at, ridiculed, questioned, ignored. Now as I have grown older I realized that most of the time these tears saved me from saying things that would have gotten me deeper into trouble or caused hurt feelings. Most of the time my tears are the silent kind. They just fall freely down my face, but a could hard cry in the shower does work wonders for your spirits. I think sometimes God causes those “hard cry” sessions to help us to realize that we aren’t in control, He is, and He will cleanse us and take over if we will give it to Him. I am so thrilled that you are learning this about yourself at your young age. Understanding what makes you tick, and why you do the things that you do, will make adult life so much easier for you. We have such a loving Father, but I confess it is so hard to understand His uniqueness and power sometimes. Often I wish we could just know everything we need to know to love God and be the child He wants us to be. But then in His infinite wisdom He knows that we would be so overwhelmed and He teaches these things one at a time. Love you. Keep marching onward, girl!
Dear LeAnn, I am a crier, too! Just a song, a special message, a hurt feeling and the tears come. Its OK!! You never get to old to cry! I love your messages and looking forward to you coming home and telling more! love, phyllis
Awesome!!! Thank you for sharing your heart!
I totally understand what your saying. I cried so much before taking so much medicine that kept me from being able to produce tears. I wanted to cry but couldn’t. Today now off of so much of that, I am able to and it feels so good. But sadly I do get many comments made about being a crier. I am just thankful for the relief and cleansing now after the rain of tears. Its refreshing and calming.
I’m so proud of you LeAnna. You are letting God do such amazing things in your life! I love you sweet friend!
Thank you for your beautiful story. I have always been tenderheartedand and cry so easily. Alot of people see that as a sign of weakness, but so not true. I’m sure I’ve been laughed at alot also. It is another one of God’s gifts
To cleanse and.restore us.
Thank you for sharing this work of the Lord in your life, LeAnna. I’m so encouraged to hear how He is working in and through you.
Words from the heart envelop our soul. Beautifully written! You are an inspiration to many. Love you!
Dear LeAnna, Whoa.. Our lives parallel in so many ways, my fellow tear-shed. Loving your genuine heart poured out through this post. Keep letting God work through you to make those precious tears grow something beautiful out of the hearts you share them with.